"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. " 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
INWARDLY RENEWED
An anorexia, eating disorder, recovery blog.
SARA MANN
www.inwardlyrenewed.com
Archive
Keeping it 100.
Saturday, August 22, 2020
I’ve always said I would keep it 100 with my readers. (This is a phrase my little sister uses that I recently learned, and apparently it mean to keep things 100% honest, on the level, the real deal. Don't make fun of me, I'm 36!). So here I am, keeping it 100 with you!
The Overshoot Plateau.
Saturday, July 11, 2020
Last week I shared how much I overshot and my gaining experience. This week I’m going to talk about the years when my body had gained the weight and just kind of stayed there. I like to say this is the time I was living in Satans’ butt-crack. Yep, you read that right! Can you think of a worse place to be? I can’t!
Gaining & Overshooting.
Wednesday, January 01, 2020
“But what if I gain 100 pounds?!”
This was the question I asked myself literally a million times before I entered treatment, after I entered treatment, when I started the re-feeding process, as I gained weight, when the weight gain never seemed to stop......you get the idea.
Overshooting.
Saturday, June 20, 2020
I would say that the questions I receive the most about my recovery have to do with overshooting.
So, these next few blogs I’m going to talk about overshooting, what it is, what my personal experience with it has been and how I’ve dealt with it. I will answer the BIG question.......is it true, when you overshoot, even by a lot, does the weight go back down?
The Camera Adds 100 Pounds.
Saturday, June 13, 2020
One huge change for me during this time of Covid is that instead of getting up Sunday morning and heading to church, I now “go” to church by turning on the TV and sitting on the couch. To be honest, there are things about this I REALLY love. I can wear whatever I want, my dogs can finally cuddle with me during a sermon, I can pause it to go to the bathroom (or grab more tea)! There is ONE thing however that I have THE hardest time with.......watching myself on TV.
Eating Disorders Do Not Discriminate.
Saturday, June 06, 2020
I had planned on writing a blog on a completely different topic this week, but then.....this week happened. The death of George Floyd has rocked our country to it’s core. Protests, both peaceful and destructive. Pain, racism, arguing, learning, listening, educating, discussion, opinions. It’s all been very overwhelming and emotionally draining if I’m to be honest. Especially on the heals of a pandemic that is still going on!? I can’t even process it all and I have a feeling a lot of people reading this are in the same boat. However, it’s something I can’t ignore and also something I wasn’t sure how to talk about in a blog about eating disorders and my recovery.
Meds.
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Happy Saturday everyone! We made it through another week!
I’ve decided for my first “real” blog back I’m going to take on a pretty controversial topic. MEDICATION!
Before I jump into my experience with meds, I want to say that this blog is in no way meant to convince you to take or not to take medication.
Counting The Little Things.
Saturday, September 21, 2019
I learned a long time ago that in order to stay on track, maintain hope and not relapse it is very important for me to acknowledge and celebrate the small wins/changes/met goals along the way. At times this can feel invalidating to the pain of recovering. Like I’m just trying to grasp at straws to find something to make recovery ok and worth it. The truth is, if I don’t celebrate these things then ya, its easy to get down and defeated!
10 Reasons Why.
Saturday, September 14, 2019
I think it is important to acknowledge the truth of recovery. My fear in writing this blog is that it might scare someone out of recovering. On the other hand, it might help someone feel less alone and relate to me about recovery. Either way, PLEASE, if you choose to read this blog, read it all the way to the end. The reasons why recovery is worth it FAR surpass the reasons why it is hard. Sometimes the hardest trials make us the strongest.
Intervention.
Monday, July 15, 2019
I haven't blogged because I've been going through a lot of changes and I needed to get a grasp on them before I could share them. Also, when I'm going through a bit of a hard time I just don't have the energy to blog. I have the energy this week, so here it goes!
About four weeks ago I had a bit of what I would call a breakdown and a miraculous intervention
Thinking Errors.
Saturday, June 01, 2019
I think it was within the first or second week of treatment for my eating disorder that I was introduced to the idea of thinking errors. The first week I was pretty much arguing with my therapist that I really didn’t have a problem. I wasn’t that thin. I was actually in fact fat and could lose some weight, and if I start to eat more I will for sure become so obese and disgusting my life would be ruined. I will never forget how when she told me I was in fact too thin and what I was eating was indeed an anorexic intake, I stared at her like she was saying the grass was blue and the sky was green.
Someone I Love Is Anorexic! What Do I Do?!
Saturday, May 25, 2019
I’ve been promising to blog about this topic for a while now and I’m finally doing it! I think I’ve pushed it off for many reasons. But mainly, I’m not a therapist, recovery specialist, dietician or a doctor, so I feel a little under-qualified to be discussing this topic. I AM however, a woman who was anorexic for seven years, excessively exercised and was one run away from death before I entered treatment three years ago. So while I am not a professional of any kind when it comes to eating disorders, I can give you my perspective on what you should do if someone you love is anorexic.
Choosing Freedom!
Saturday, May 11, 2019
When you walk into a doctors office the last thing you want to feel is invalidated and dismissed. You want to be taken seriously, listened to, empathized with, treated with respect and given the high level of care you are paying for. Unfortunately this doesn’t always happen.
When Your Best Isn't Good Enough.
Saturday, April 06, 2019
It's such a rollercoaster. About a month ago I received some lab results back and honestly, they were the best lab results I've had since I started treatment. (AMEN!) My malnutrition is on it's way out, my inflammation markers have gone way down (even though they are still pretty bad), my insulin levels are almost back to normal, my blood sugar is basically perfect and most of my other tests (I think there were like 40) are finally coming back a smidge away from where we want them to be! There are only a few that just can't seem to get it together.
My Thoughts!
Saturday, March 23, 2019
I want to take this blog post as an opportunity to talk a little bit about my thoughts and feelings on my husbands Q&A blogs the past two weeks! First of all, I want to thank my husband, Wyatt, for taking the time to answer all those questions and for being as honest as he was!
Perspective Change.
Saturday, February 02, 2019
So I think this past week or so I could win an award for feeling sorry for myself. I definitely was spending more time in whine mode (not to be confused with the much more preferred wine mode), fretting about my situation and keeping myself in a constant state of boo-hoo. This always tends to happen when I’m waiting on test results. I have had a lot of testing over the past couple months and the anxiety it brings is pretty outrageous. I’m a “worst case scenario” type of person
JCREW WTH?!
Friday, January 25, 2019
Shopping use to be a different experience for me. There was the time before anorexia, when I was at my normal weight and also the time I was anorexic and extremely underweight. During both of these times (because I was either fit and thin or WAY too thin), finding my size at a clothing store wasn’t a problem. Sure I needed to find clothes that looked good on me and fit my body shape, but finding a size to fit me was never a problem. When I was anorexic it was even less of a problem because I basically was a walking hanger.
Year Four Lets Do This!
Friday, January 11, 2019
So I haven’t blogged in a few weeks. In the past this is something I would beat myself up over. I would tell myself I’m a failure, I’m bad, I will lose all my readers, no one will care anyway, and feel like a horrible person. Well, something in me has changed, and it’s a good thing. I haven’t blogged, and I don’t necessarily feel good about it, but I don’t feel horrible either. I have allowed myself room to be imperfect with things. When I was anorexic I had to be perfect at everything, and if I failed, I coped with it and the anxiety that came from it with starvation and exercise. Three years, and lots of therapy later, I now am able to be imperfect, and manage the anxiety that comes in a healthy way! It’s great!
This Body!!
Saturday, December 08, 2018
In the past week alone I have been called out more then once for talking negatively about my body. The truth is, I do talk REALLY bad about my body. I say things ranging from its gross to referring to it as “fat,” or talking about how out of shape I am or how my belly looks or if I have a double chin or how I use to be pretty. Just lots of negative stuff. It’s really not good.
The Importance of Support.
Saturday, December 01, 2018
If you read my last blog then you are aware that the past month or so has been a bit difficult. In the world of recovery, things are not always perfect. I can go a long time doing really well, and then when life happens in a pretty brutal way, my eating disorder sneaks back in like my long lost best friend ready to comfort me. I forget that it’s not my friend and in fact it makes things a million times worse. I had a short little relapse. By relapse I mean, restricting food, being hard on myself about exercise, weighing myself (a BIG no no), obsessing about how and when I will lose all the recovery weight, living in depression, anxiety and self loathing. It was an ugly week. BUT, I’ve come out of it and I’m doing a LOT better!
Real Talk.
Saturday, November 17, 2018
I haven't blogged in about a month. I've tried to start one every single week and I just can't write. What I'm going through feels too painful to share and I never want to come across as whining, so I've just not blogged. Truth is, this move has been extremely hard on me. Mentally, physically, emotionally....just hard. I've found myself in a bit of a relapse. I'm preoccupied with my weight, having an extremely difficult time eating, feeling an astronomical amount of stress, lonliness and anxiety with a side of depression. It's gotten so bad my dietician is putting me back on a meal plan and I have to write out all the food rules that have sneakily crept back into my life. There are a lot of things that have contributed to this happening. Some I can share openly and other that must remain privat
Giving Up.
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Don’t worry, I’m not giving up on recovery, but sometimes in order to recover, I have to give certain things up. In this case, I’m talking about being weighed. In my own home, I threw out our scale almost three years ago. We don’t keep one in the house, period. Before I entered recovery I would weight myself at least ten times a day…at least. The number was what drove me and determined my mood, worth, identity, body image and security. It took me a long time to get over not having a scale in the home and having no idea what I weighed, but I needed to do it in order to end the behavior of weighing myself obsessively
Coping Skill: F.A.S.T.
Saturday, October 06, 2018
So I’m not sure if everyone knows this, but eating disorders act as a major coping mechanism. Most of the people you will meet, me included, that have or have had an eating disorder, are most likely coping with something. What we are coping with can range anywhere from events like a death of a family member, rape, near death experiences, insecurity, confusion about identity, divorce, bullying, needing to be fit for sports, weight loss or gain, body image, painful relationships, you get the idea. I know for me, I had some big stuff happen and within a year I was anorexic and excessively exercising. It’s like something in my brained snapped and made my body, food and exercise the only thing I could care about and think about. If I was thinking about how many calories I was burning each day, I could ignore the extreme emotional pain I was feeling from the events that I did not know how to fix. I couldn’t control how people treated me, what they thought of me, when they would die or not, but I thought I COULD control how many calories I ate, how long I could run and how little I could eat.
Introverted or Isolated?
Saturday, September 29, 2018
Growing up I think I would have described myself as outgoing. I had a good amount of friends, I was a cheerleader and involved in sports, I attended youth group and had friends there too. Whats weird though is I’m not sure I would have said I was extroverted. I didn’t realize until I was much older how introverted I actually was/am. Yes, I can hold a conversation and have a good time with people when I go out, but I would prefer a night in, by myself or with one maybe two friends, watching Anne of Green Gables or reading over going out any day.
Recovery Playlist Part II
Saturday, September 15, 2018
About a year ago I posted a recovery playlist blog! Well, just like anyone else, songs get old to me when I listen to them too much! So, today I'm posting a second blog with even more songs that I love that I think are perfect to listen to while in recovery! They give me that boost to keep going, connect with me when recovery gets hard, give me all the feels because they are relatable and honestly, they are just a really good way to practice self care!
Watching The Pot.
Saturday, September 08, 2018
Have you ever heard the saying, “A watched pot never boils?” I mean, the water always eventually boils, but it seems to take FOR-EV-ER when you are staring at it waiting for it to happen. It’s like the minute you walk away from it, it starts boiling and you are like WAIT, when did that happen?! I feel like this saying describes the past couple months of my recovery to a T.
We're MOVING!
Saturday, December 28, 2019
One of my biggest fears during recovery has been moving. My husband has a job that when you take on a new role, you move. So far his job has taken us to New York City and then Washington D. C. Typically we would stay in these places for three to five years and then move along. My recovery threw a bit of a curve ball into this trajectory and we have been in D.C. for about six years. When I entered treatment the one thing I asked was that we not move until I was recovered. This went over like a lead balloon, but the truth is, I NEEDED to recover from my eating disorder and it takes time, support and a strong team to do so.
I Bought A Bathing Suit...And I Wore It!
Saturday, August 11, 2018
Look, I think we can all be a liiiiitle honest here and say that being confident in a bathing suit is something that doesn’t come all that easy. (If it does for you, then comment below your secret, I’d love to know…). In our society we have been tricked into believing there is only one type of body that is beautiful and one type of body that should be seen on the beach without being ashamed. Everyone else should be working towards that body and if we don’t have it, we should wear the most flattering bathing suit to hide all our lumps and bumps. Rolls are no long acceptable at the beach over 4 years old, and anything past that we better get “beach body ready” starting after Christmas.
Forgiving My First Doctor.
Saturday, August 04, 2018
I don't know about everyone else, but I use to have this idea that doctors knew everything. You just go to the doctor, tell them your problem, they know the answer and vwhala, HEALED! Going through recovery has taught me the hard lesson that not only do doctors not know everything, they are human beings that are fallible and while I've found that some may struggle with pride, hopefully, most of the time, they are just trying to do their best
It's Amazing What A Minute Can Do!
Saturday, July 21, 2018
Happy Saturday everyone!!! I don’t know about you but this week seemed SO LONG!Do any of you have a song that the minute it comes on you are like, wow, SAME!? So there is this Dave Matthews song, So Damn Lucky, that I play pretty much all the time. I would put it in my top ten favorite songs of all time. It’s one of those songs where the lyrics just seem to click with the current situation and you get all the feels because well, relatable! Since Dave and I haven’t sat down and chatted about what the song is actually about I make my own assumptions and to me it’s about how in one moment, everything can change. Sometimes the change feels like slow motion, or it feels like you are spinning and have no idea what is going on, or you just want to go back to that moment right before it all happened. I’ve been feeling all of these a lot lately. I feel lost, dizzy and wishing I could just go back two and a half years ago and decide not to do any of this.
Living Loved.
Saturday, July 14, 2018
Over the past few weeks I have come to the realization that I don’t feel like I am really living life anymore. Somewhere along this journey my whole life started to be about recovering from my eating disorder. From doctors appointments, to support groups. Meals plans to recovery record. Therapy and coping skills, my every moment is bombarded with recovery thoughts, decisions, questions, and stress. I went from a person who lived life to someone who feels like life is kind of just passing me by. I feel like I’m putting all of my energy into figuring out how to get my energy and body back to normal and it has become all consuming. So much so that I didn’t realize that a lot of things that are important to me have started to disappear and over the past week I became aware that I miss living life and I’m tired of my life being all about recovering. I feel like my faith isn’t as strong, my mission isn’t as strong, my career isn’t as strong, my goals and direction in life is stagnant and I’m just waiting on my body to dictate how the rest of my life is going to end up. This can’t be how it is, right?!
HOME!
Saturday, July 07, 2018
In the words of Dorothy, “There’s no place like home!” As I’ve mentioned before the past few months have been a teensy bit difficult and I think I reached my threshold of being “strong” and able to deal with it mentally. So a couple weeks ago my husband suggested that I get out of the city and go back home for a week to just have a change of scenery and be around family!
Sisters.
Saturday, June 23, 2018
My husband could tell that I was in a pretty bad place. So, without me knowing it he texted my sisters and told them that I needed them, that I was having a really hard time and could really use some extra support. Now, I didn’t know he texted them, but when three days in a row I started to hear from my sisters, I knew something was up haha!
An Update On My Health.
Saturday, June 02, 2018
To say the past month has been difficult would be an understatement. I think it’s been the closest I’ve been to relapsing this entire recovery process. In fact, in some ways I would say I am relapsing and fighting against relapsing at the same time. It’s hard to tell when there is a mental hurricane going on and behaviors sneak up on you without knowing and you just keep trying to push them down. This past month I’ve felt like someone put me on a boat, took me far out into the ocean, threw me overboard and left me there to try desperately to keep my head above water. I keep searching for a life jacket or a rescue team and it just isn’t coming. THAT’s how this past month has felt.
Surviving Holiday Weekends!
Saturday, May 26, 2018
SO, since it is Memorial Day weekend, and this weekend is typically full of parties, bbq’s and hang outs, I’ve decided to write about how I survive parties, family get-togethers, holidays and basically social events in general while recovering from an eating disorder.
Recovery Podcasts.
Saturday, May 19, 2018
When I entered treatment it was almost like I had to become un-brainwashed or "de-programed" from diet culture. I had spent years and years believing that carbs were bad, being fat meant you over-ate and were lazy, foods were categorized as good and bad, healthy or unhealthy, and calories were the ultimate and ongoing mathematical equation to happiness and health. Deciding that I no longer needed to abide by these rules or agonize over every morsel was really hard and it actually took a lot of time and support. One of the things that helped me was listening to body positive, health at every size, anti-diet, intuitive eating, eating disorder recovery podcasts!
To My Mother...
Saturday, May 12, 2018
I’m not a teenager or even a young adult. I’m thirty-four years old and recovering from an eating disorder. A lot of times when we see portrayals of eating disorders or recovery from them we see young teenage girls, and their mothers who are trying desperately to help their daughters overcome them. My situation is a little different. I’m much older, married and haven’t even lived in the same state as my mother in almost ten years. She isn’t going to every doctors appointment with me or filing my medical bills. She isn’t arguing with a therapist about how this happened or spoon-feeding me my meals when I have the urge to restrict again. Being older and going through recovery means that I don’t depend on my mother the way I might have if I was younger, however my mother has been a steady ROCK for me as I recover and I would like to take the time (and this blog) to acknowledge that! So, a letter to my mother in honor of mothers day...
Coping Skill: Loving-Kindness Meditation.
Saturday, May 05, 2018
This past week I went through something that was very traumatic. I was scammed, terrorized and robbed. It was incredibly frightening, stressful and exhausting. Traumatic events are typically when my eating disorder decides to slowly creep in and take over. In fact, trauma is often the main source and fuel to eating disorders. When I think of trauma or traumatic events I typically think of people who fight in a war, or of really terrible things like being robbed or raped or near death experiences. The truth is, trauma doesn’t have to always be these things. The definition of a trauma is, “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. or an emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis.” (1) So trauma is simply a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Some synonyms for trauma are, shock, distress, stress, pain, anguish, suffering, grief and heartache. We don’t have to be at the front of war to experience trauma. Many of us have experienced trauma in our every day lives. It’s being robbed, losing a family member, going through a parents divorce, being in a volatile/difficult relationship, getting fired from a job we love or experiencing infertility. In my opinion, all of these can be deeply distressing experiences.
God's Perfect Timing.
Saturday, April 28, 2018
For about the past year I have been keeping a prayer journal. One day I was shopping around Marshalls, (I LOOOOVE me some Marshalls), and I found the cutest little turquoise prayer journal in the check out line where they always try to get you to grab that last minute stuff you absolutely don’t need but definitely need. So, like a typical pathetic shopper I snatched it up and it turns out I really DID need it! You see, I had been really struggling with prayer. I had started to become a bit bitter and resentful towards God since he hadn’t been answering some major prayers of mine, and some distrust was sneakily creeping into my relationship with Him. So, I figured buying a prayer journal would give me the boost I needed to become more diligent in my daily prayers again, since at least I would be writing in a cute book right?!
Anorexia Is Not a Choice.
Saturday, April 21, 2018
How could I have done this to myself?
I have asked myself this question over and over and over again during my recovery.
When day after day my body swells, I say, “How could I have done this to myself?”
When my weight is at it’s absolute highest with no sign of budging or going back to normal, I cry, “How could I have done this to myself?”
When I yet again receive scary news from a doctor, I lay in bed weeping, "How could I have done this to myself?"
When I am shopping at the store, trying to find something that will fit my oddly shaped, overweight, foreign body with mirrors everywhere showing me every nook and cranny, I drop my head in shame and say, “How could I have done this to myself?”
When I feel like not eating dinner because yet again something has triggered my eating disorder, I think, “How could I have done this to myself?”
The Wheel Of Feelings!
Friday, April 06, 2018
I’m an emotions stuffer. When I have an emotion I cannot stand it and all I want to do is find the best way to get rid of it as fast as possible. I always had this idea that being emotional or having emotions was bad. I never wanted to be labeled the “emotional girl,” and no one takes being called overly emotional as a compliment now-a-days.
I'm Fat, and I'm Cool With That.
Saturday, March 31, 2018
Dang. I only WISH the title of this blog was true.
I’ve decided to go a little vulnerable this week and share what I’m currently struggling with on my rollercoaster of a journey through recovery.
I found out this past week that my weight has again stopped going down.
This is beyooooond frustrating. After a lot of tears, questions, anger, appointments, talking with fellow and former recoverers and support I picked myself up and realized….I’m fat, and I need to be cool with that.
The problem is….I’m not.
Self-Esteem & Self-Compassion
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Once a week I attend an eating disorder recovery support group! I've been going to it for about a year and a half and it has played a major role in my success thus far in recovery! (Side note - Seriously, if you are recovering and not in a support group, I highly suggest finding one!) There are a few different elements that take place during our group, but one of them is a directive. Typically a therapist, dietician or a pastor comes in and leads our group in some sort of discussion, lesson, or activity that has to do with our eating disorder. It could be anything from how our brains work when we are triggered to how to make a thought box with inspirational stickers! This past week our directive was about self esteem and self compassion.
Dealing With Diet Talk.
Saturday, March 17, 2018
Diet talk. Where to be begin?! I’ve put off writing about this topic for a while. There are lots of reasons why, but mostly it’s because it is something that really gets me worked up as well as triggers my eating disorder. So I have to be in the right mindset or else instead of writing a nice blog it will turn into a rant or a venting session and I really don’t want to do that! I DO want to talk about it though because I know I'm not the only one effected by diet talk and it's something that I think we as a society need to start thinking more seriously about! So I’m going to try and tread carefully and tackle the topic of diet talk, why I think we do it and how I deal with it while recovering from anorexia.
Practicing What I Preach!
Saturday, March 10, 2018
This past week has been exhausting. I had visitors (ones I love of course!) in town last weekend! I feel like I have/had a million appointments, bible studies, a band practice, work, cleaning, blog writing, editing, cooking, meetings, and errands to run and I feel like I have no energy and just can’t get on top of it. When this happens for some reason my body image goes down, my ED thoughts go up and I start to get a little “feisty” to say the least.
20 Body Positive Instagram Accounts!
Saturday, March 03, 2018
It’s a fact that most people spend a LOT of time on social media. Whether it’s facebook, instagram, snapchat or even just reading blogs (wink wink!) on the internet we are constantly scrolling through and being influenced by our social media feeds.
I know for me that my instagram feed can play a large role in how I feel about myself. I’m not embarrassed to say it. I don’t have some super human shield around me that makes it so if I see 100 perfectly fit woman in a row I don’t all of a sudden start to have negative body image thoughts. I do! I walk away feeling like I need to work out more, or maybe should avoid a food group, or try a new makeup product or skin care line or change myself in this way or that way....
Exercise After An Eating Disorder. (Part II of From Athlete To Anorexic)
Saturday, February 24, 2018
I don’t know about everyone else but this week was SOOOO LOOONG! So excited that it’s finally Saturday!
So I’m just going to dive right into this blog and pick up where I left off in my last blog!
I was ordered to be sedentary and it was very difficult to decide to do this. I finally caved and decided to go for recovery full on and comply with what my team wanted, aka, eat, don’t exercise and work on renewing my mind.
Being sedentary was very difficult. It led me into what I would describe as a very deep depression. I kind of had no idea who I was anymore. I went from spending hours upon hours working out, thinking about working out, counting calories and obsessing about my diet, to now being overweight, eating foods I would NEVER have eaten for the past seven years, dealing with major health issues and having a lot of time on my hands since I was no longer spending it on constant exercise and counting.
From Athlete To Anorexic.
Saturday, February 17, 2018
I don’t know about all of you but I have been SO into watching the Winter Olympic Games! I feel like I’m staying up waaaay too late because I’m suddenly very invested in ice dancing, skiing and Shaun White. I’m amazed by these athletes. They have worked so hard to get to this place. All the training that had to have taken place and how much they have had to take care of their bodies in order to be able to achieve this level of competition is inspiring!
It has made me think of my own journey with sports and exercise and my body. I realized this past week that my blog so far has been a lot about my recovery. How hard recovery is, coping skills I use, how to fight my eating disorder, how my faith plays into my recovery, but I have spent very little time actually talking about my eating disorder, how it happened, what led to it, what it was like etc. So, in this blog I’m going to talk about how I went from being an athlete to being anorexic.
Fearfully & Wonderfully Made.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
So this past week in our small group we tackled the topic of “Divine Flesh,” and I want to share a little bit of our study with you today because it is SO good and SO true. Whenever I remind myself of what I’m about to share with you my perspective on my body changes 100%. We started off our group brainstorming and listing what makes for a good body?! The list contained things like a healthy BMI, specific body type, strong, good diet, attractive, good blood flow, being fit. Then we discussed what this says about the purpose of our bodies. It seems it can be pretty subjective, they are meant to look good, to keep us a live. We also took it a bit further and offered up alternative perspectives that the world offers about what our bodies are for, like, childbearing, sexuality, pornography, pleasure etc.
Recovery Is Like A Chinese Bamboo Tree.
Saturday, February 03, 2018
A couple of weeks ago I was at church and after the service I ended up in a conversation with one of my fellow youth leaders. This youth leader is not your typical 20 something that wants to hang and inspire the younger crowd. He is a 40 something incredibly wise and Godly man who has been through more then a person should in a life time. I had recently missed church because I wasn’t feeling too hot from some side effects of a new medication I had started that will help my pancreas get its act together, so he pulled me aside to inquire as to how I was doing
I Learned My Lesson....
Saturday, January 27, 2018
I don’t know what it is about me, but it seems like in life I always have to learn lessons the hard way. I can’t just trust the wisdom that I am given or do what I am told to. I either rebel, or question or think I’m the exception to the rule and then find out I’m not and I should have just done what I was told from the beginning. My recovery process has proven to be no different and this past week I made some mistakes and yet again (deep sigh) had to learn my lesson the hard way. So here is the story…
Coping Skill: One Way I Get Myself To Eat Fear Foods!
Saturday, January 20, 2018
When I first entered treatment I had a list a million miles long of foods that I could and would not eat. In the eating disorder world we call these foods, fear foods. To be honest, when you are anorexic, most foods are fear foods. I think the only foods I didn’t fear or label bad were raspberries and lettuce. I’m not kidding. Every other food needed to be compensated for or counted. All other foods were varying degrees of “bad,” based usually upon how many calories they contained, if they broke any of my rules or what the label on them said as far as fat, trans fat, carbs, protein, gluten, dairy etc. were concerned.
Diet January!!! (Sarcasm Implied)
Saturday, January 13, 2018
So it’s January and my gosh is this month obsessed with diets or what?!?! In the past I was aware of the idea that a lot of people have new years resolutions to lose weight and that the 1st of the year was a great time to start, but DANG, now that I’m recovering from an eating disorder it is kind of overwhelming and verging on brainwashing! I mean, I literally cannot turn on the television without being bombarded with some sort of diet talk. Join weight watchers freestyle and you can have cake!! If you have more ginger you can slim down your waist line. Try this pill to speed up your metabolism. Don’t forget to cut out soy, dairy, sugar and gluten. Cheese is really bad for you and if you don’t want to be 220 pounds you should stop eating it. Do a dry January to lose those extra holiday pounds! Here is a “diet that shall remain nameless” where you can follow all these random rules about food and then after 30 days you can eat them again with no mental repercussions or metabolic damage at all and it makes complete and total sense.. (sorry, major sarcasm with that one…). Literally last night I found myself watching the 72 most dangerous animals on Netflix because it was the only safe place to not have diet talk shoved down my throat.
Shame.
Saturday, January 06, 2018
I cannot begin to describe the shame that accompanies having and/or recovering from an eating disorder. The definition of shame according to good ole goole is, “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” The amount of shame that I have felt over the past two years is astronomical, and I know I’m not alone. Every person that I have encountered that is recovering from an eating disorder has expressed the exact same feeling of humiliation and distress about it.
My New Years Recovery Resolution!
Saturday, December 30, 2017
I can’t believe it! 2017 is almost over and all I have to say is THANK GOD….
I’m not going to lie, 2017 beat me up. It started off with a broken leg and ended with spending most of the time in doctors offices trying to figure out how in the world I can get my body to get it together. I don’t want to be dramatic, but this past year was quite literally the worst year of my life. It felt like I got kicked in the gut and then held down for more punches. Yet here I am, still kickin, thinking about how I can get up off the ground and make 2018 the BEST year of my life!
12 Tips for a Jolly Holiday!
Saturday, December 23, 2017
The holidays are in full swing and for most people with eating disorders, so are our triggers, vulnerabilities, ED thoughts and behaviors. This season is notorious for causing relapses and egging ED on. Whether it is family drama, the amount of meals that are eaten around other people, the literal NON-STOP diet talk or the olympic level comparison game going on in our heads...the holidays are hard....but they don’t have to be.
I weigh WHAT?!?!
Saturday, December 16, 2017
I want to start by saying that despite the title, I will not be sharing my current weight or previous weights or how much I have gained throughout recovery in this blog post. I don't want anyone comparing, triggering, stressing, judging or opinionating (I know that's not a word but I just made it one) about my weight or theirs :)
This past week the dreaded happened....I found out what I currently weigh. I didn't mean for it to happen. It just did. As expected I had a bit of a meltdown and came face to face with relapsing. Now that I have had a few days to reflect on it all, I've decided to write about it.
Year Two....
Saturday, December 09, 2017
This past week I reached the two year mark of treatment. I started the recovery process December 7th of 2015. I don’t know why, but this year, instead of celebrating, I felt this intense feeling of disappointment, frustration, depression and defeat. If I’m being honest, I’m weary.
Sympathy -vs- Empathy
Saturday, December 02, 2017
I know there are a lot of people out there that read my blog who are desperately trying to be a support to someone who is either suffering from an eating disorder or trying to recover from one. These people constantly feel like they are missing the mark. They try to comfort their loved one, but somehow it backfires and instead of helping they end up hurting or they wind up in an argument. On the other side of the coin, there is the person suffering and battling through recovery. They never feel heard. They feel like no one understands or even that most people think what they are going through is crazy and they should just get over it and eat a burger.
Coping Skill for the Holidays: Testing Your Thoughts/Thought logs.
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Since we are officially in the holiday season, I thought it would be a good idea to share another coping skill that has helped me tremendously to muddle through the triggers and ED thoughts that seem to come faster and stronger this time of year.
Do You See What I See?
Saturday, November 18, 2017
I think most people don’t see themselves entirely as they are. We look into the mirror and instead of seeing ourselves subjectivity, emotions and judgements enter in. We have those “problem” areas we want to fix and often get caught up in the, “if only my nose was smaller,” or “if I could just get my thighs to be a little less side heavy,” or “where did those wrinkles come from?!” or in some cases,“if I could gain a little weight and have a bigger chest, THEN I would be happy,” mindsets. We constantly critique ourselves and pick our looks apart. We go on diets to manipulate our size. We get plastic surgery to “enhance” our features. We spend hours running or in the gym sculpting the perfect abs for the beach. We cake our faces in makeup or shop for the perfect jeans for a “pear shape” body. As a society we are obsessed with how we look, and most people don’t even like how they look! It’s like we can’t simply see how beautiful and unique we all are. It takes work and effort to embrace...
Celebrating Progress!
Saturday, November 11, 2017
I think I have written enough blogs that prove recovering from an eating disorder is difficult. The day to day is such a struggle that it often seems like nothing is ever changing. Often times I find myself so overwhelmed with problems, goals, defeats, mind games that I really don’t notice the little wins. This is especially true when the process is very long. In the beginning of recovery everything is very new. You eat more, the body changes a lot, hormones are all over the place, fear and anxiety is crazy high. You are learning what the E.D. voice is and lots of coping skills to fight it. It seems like you are at the first round of a fight and going all in but flailing around like you have no idea how to fight.
Finding The Middle Path.
Saturday, November 04, 2017
I am a pretty black and white thinker. I also struggle with the desire to be perfect. Those two things combined don’t really leave room for error, self compassion or flexibility. A lot of people struggle with these things, but from what I know, people with eating disorders struggle deeply with these things. It’s an all or nothing mentality.
Millie and Me!
Saturday, October 28, 2017
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not a big animal person. There are people out there that when they see a dog they go all gaga and want to pet it and cuddle it! Not me. So when my husband started to say we should get a dog, my thought was a solid NOPE! We live in the city. This means that we have no yard and we would have to actually walk the dog a lot. There also is this terrible thing where you have to pick up after the dog (if you know what I mean) with your HAND inside a tiny little bag. This made me want to vomit. I also like to travel so I couldn’t imagine having to always pay to board an animal or not be able to just up and leave whenever I wanted. So, every time my husband brought up the idea of getting a dog (which was often) I would say no!
When Resources Are Low.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
It’s been a tough week. It was a week full of tears and breakdowns. I think most people in my position would have weeks like this too. They are hard to get through and inevitably happen. As I reflect back on my week, I try to figure out where things went wrong. How could I have handled it differently? What was the spiral of events that led me to a Thursday of ugly crying? Were there things I could have avoided? Could I have used a coping skill or practiced self care to detour my week away from it’s brutality? I’ve come to realize that some weeks just go by without much happening, and then there are those weeks where it seems like every trigger in the book is thrown at me. I’ve used every coping skill I’ve ever heard of and I just don’t have the energy to fight one more battle. I’ve used all my resources and I breakdown.
Coping Skill: STOP SKILL
Saturday, October 14, 2017
My mind travels a million miles a minute. My emotions travel even faster than that. Throughout recovery I have found myself in a lot of situations where I either have become SO emotional that I don’t know what to do, or my mind is racing and repeating and I can’t get it to stop.
One day I decided I was ok enough to go shopping at Target. I was having one of those days where I had accepted my current weight, knew I needed some clothes and had an, “I can do this,” attitude! That attitude lasted about 3 solid minutes into shopping. I immediately became overwhelmed by the amount of clothes I could NOT buy and the little, yet big, number on the tags of the clothes I was trying to buy. I became distraught seeing all the other women shopping in normal jeans and cute tops, while here I was in my typical tent dress, covering my belly, seeing if any of the maternity section dresses might cover my current adult toddler shape. My mind started to race, my face got hot, my body started to sweat and...
The Comparison Game.
Saturday, October 07, 2017
I don’t know about all of you, but I struggle with comparing myself to others BIG time. Typically I compare in order to decide if I measure up to some unknown or made up standard that just seems to be there. I compare to be able to feel good about myself, but more often then not it makes me feel bad about myself. I need to know how I’m doing in life. I mean, how else do I know if what I’m doing is ok other then deciding where I fall in line compared to everyone else?
My Recovery Play List!
Saturday, September 30, 2017
In previous posts I’ve mentioned my total LOVE for music! For me, music has the ability to cut straight to my heart and emotions. Some lyrics even have the ability to explain how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking even better then I can. Music is empathetic. It gives me all the feels and in a way makes me feel understood. I think that’s why I like it so much!
There is no I in TEAM!
Saturday, September 23, 2017
When I first entered treatment and started to read about the Eating Disorder recovery process, I noticed that everyone had a “team.” It seamed like every person had a doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, dietician, mentor and sometimes a few others in the mix. I don’t know why, but when I read this, my Eating Disorder would say things like, “See, you are not that bad, you don’t have a team.” “These girls are TRULY anorexic. They need all these people. You don’t even have a doctor, so there isn’t a problem.” I felt like since I didn’t have a team, I didn’t need help. Since I hadn’t collapsed on the ground yet and had all these people caring for me, there must not be a real problem. It’s so backwards the way that my Eating Disorder brain would twist every little thing in order to keep me from believing I had a problem and trying to seek help.
The Bright Side :)
Saturday, September 16, 2017
There are about a million quotes and sayings out there that tell us to look on the bright side of every situation. Find the lesson in everything! You know them,
“When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!”
“Everything happens for a reason…there is a lesson to be learned in everything that happens.:
“When it rains, look for the rainbows and when it’s dark, look for the stars.”
“Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.
The Examen.
Saturday, September 09, 2017
A while back in my support group, our amazing Chaplain introduced me to a tool called, The Examen (pronounced The Examine....I don’t know why the heck they spell it different, but whatever!). (1) The Examen is a tool that helps us notice movements in our lives. These movements can be spiritual, relational and personal. Examen helps us to see what in life pulls us towards some things and what pushes us away. When I practice Examen I get a better sense of what brings me life and what drains it from me. It allows me to take note of what my needs may be as well as where I might need to grow. I find out what I should be doing MORE of as well as what I should be doing less.
Google. A Blessing or a Curse?
Saturday, September 02, 2017
Since I’m in my thirties I remember a time when we didn’t have the internet. These were the days when Google didn’t exist. We received information from people around us, teachers, doctors, articles, television and the library. Even when Google did take off, it took a while for society to make the change. Now-a-days we can look up anything. Literally ANYTHING, within a few seconds. The amount of information at our fingertips is so crazy its almost overwhelming to think about.
Coping Skill: Scripture!
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Over the past year and a half I have learned many coping skills that are amazing! I would like to start dedicating some blogs to sharing these coping skills! They range from how to challenge my thoughts, to how to confront someone about an issue in a healthy way. Some help me turn anxiety into calm and others help me validate and stick to the facts. It’s important to have a LOT of coping skills because they all don’t work in every situation and sometimes life is as bad as it was for me this week and you need to funnel through them one after another.
I’m not gunna lie, its been “one of those weeks.” You know, the ones where you pinch yourself at the end of it and say, “yep, still alive!”
Sizing Up.
Saturday, August 19, 2017
I love shopping…or should I say, loved shopping. I loved shopping so much that when I would travel abroad I would bring an empty suitcase along JUST for new clothes. (My husband loves that I do that...not!) I loved finding a cute boutique that had the most amazing clothes that I knew no one else had. I prided myself in my sense of style and loved to buy clothes that made me feel like ME! I would have described my style as grungy, bohemian chic. It suited me.
Faith.
Saturday, August 12, 2017
I’m thirty three years old and for most of my life I have been a Christian. Although there were times (ages 18-22 weren’t my finest moments, thank the LORD there wasn’t social media then..) that I wasn’t as committed to my faith, my faith never wavered. I’ve always simply believed in God and what the Bible says. When I was twenty-three I recommitted myself to my faith and I’ve been a pretty strong Christian ever since. I would actually describe it as the single most important thing about me, except for when I was Anorexic. Anorexia definitely became my idol and true to the Word, I was knocked down until I realized it.
How To Eat A Sandwich!
Saturday, August 05, 2017
Sandwiches are SO good. If you have the perfect combination of bread, condiment and insides it can literally be insanely delicious. My personal favorite is a turkey, swiss cheese, lettuce and banana peppers with mayo/mustard on a yummy sub. I recently had a SERIOUSLY amazing sandwich at this place in Charlottesville called Take It Away Sandwich Shop. I mean WOW. It was SO good! I love sandwiches so much now, that it’s crazy to me that I went seven years without truly eating a sandwich….
Consumed.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
I've talked before about my Eating Disorder voice and how nasty it is. The last few days my E.D. voice has been meaner then ever. At the moment I'm at the beach for my families yearly vacation. Much like last year, I had been dreading it. (Not because I hate my family...but because of all things Eating Disordered..) The difference between this year and last year however is that I feel like last year I was much more prepared and able to cope with the triggers that vacation brings. This year I just couldn't do it.
My Thoughts on 'To The Bone'.....
Saturday, July 22, 2017
This past week Netflix released a new movie called To The Bone. Multiple people have written to me asking if I have seen it, what my thoughts are on it and if I will blog about it. So, I decided to watch it and offer my perspective of it as a recovering anorexic.
My "Pregnant" Belly.
Saturday, July 15, 2017
ATTENTION! - Never, ever, EVER, ask a woman if she is pregnant just because she is gaining weight. No seriously. Don’t do it!
Here’s why…..
When I first entered treatment for my eating disorder I did a lot of research to see what I was getting myself into. I wanted to know what to expect, what not to expect, the good, the bad and the ugly. One tid-bit that kept popping up as I googled for hours, was the “pregnant belly.” From what I read, it seemed like a substantial amount of people in recovery, gained a large amount of weight in the belly area, leaving them looking pregnant. I was terrified of this happening to me…..and unfortunately it did.
Unbound...
Saturday, July 08, 2017
I missed blogging last week. I’m sorry! It was for a good reason though! I was on a youth group Missions Trip in Guatemala! My husband and I have been youth leaders for almost five years now. (1) As a youth group we sponsor many kids through Compassion International and every couple years we go on a short term missions trip to meet them. My husband and I also sponsor a little girl ourselves! The purpose of this trip was to go down to Guatemala, meet the kids we sponsor and serve their communities!
My Beach Body!
Saturday, June 24, 2017
It’s summer! As we all know, summer means less clothing coverage, beach vacations, diets to the max and body image issues. Our hidden and hibernating winter bodies are now out for show and the stress of making them look good, or hiding what doesn’t look good, is in full effect! I would venture to say it is a recovering anorexics worst nightmare. This nightmare, while terrifying, also brought about my first taste of freedom from my eating disorder!
I'll Stand By You...
Saturday, June 17, 2017
I once was a woman who loved hanging out with people. I loved giving gifts, traveling, going shopping, and supporting my friends through their hard times. When a friend or family member had a baby, I would throw them a party or make a meal and drop it off. If a friend was going through a divorce, I would travel and visit them to boost their spirits. Going through a breakup? I’ll sit with you as you cry. Need a babysitter? Sure! Want a weekend away? I’m there! I loved to take care of people. Now, all of a sudden, I find myself on the flip side of that equation, and I’m not used to it. I am now the one who needs support. I’m the one who needs the visits and the cards and the encouragement. I am now the one who needs my friends and family to stand by in support of me, and it’s a scary, vulnerable place to be.
Who Told You That?
Saturday, June 10, 2017
One thing that continues to surprise people is that an eating disorder is not about the food. It is a mental illness that is about control, not an issue with food itself. The food is just a symptom of a deeper problem. It’s kind of hard for me to write that it is a mental illness because, well, that would mean I am mentally ill, and who wants to be that?! There is something wrong with my mind. Somewhere along the line things went wrong, and this voice popped up and decided to take over the show. My mind decided this was the best way to cope with problems. I personally wish my mind had chosen travel, or photography or mission in order to cope....Nope! It chose eating disorder. I know what went wrong, and that is a topic for another time, but nonetheless my mind was taken over by this nasty voice.
Looks Can Be Decieving....
Saturday, June 03, 2017
When you hear the word eating disorder, what image pops into your mind? Is it of a girl, frail with protruding bones? I bet it isn’t a girl who looks healthy and fit. I bet it isn’t a boy who is an athlete or a woman who is considered obese. When you see a person who is overweight by our societal standards what do you think? She must not exercise. She really must love the potato chip aisle. There is NO WAY she is struggling with an eating disorder.
Self Care!!!
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Self care is something that I had never really heard of until about a year ago. I was sitting in my support group and one of the girls made the goal to practice more self care that week. I thought, what the heck is that? Are you really going to sit at home and color in one of those new adult coloring books? Couldn’t you be doing something more productive with your time? It sounds so crazy now, but the idea of intentionally taking time to care for myself was foreign. I have a job, I’m fighting an eating disorder, I have a husband and a dog and dinner to make and bills to pay and deadlines to meet and youth to serve, and a house to clean, who has time for coloring and slow walks through the park?
Swollen and STILL eating...
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
This healing process has been hard on my body. I pretty much live in a constant state of Edema. I swell a LOT. It’s swelling that hurts and makes me think something is very wrong. (I’ve had about a million tests and it continues to narrow down to just recovery healing). I shy away from hugs because my skin feels like it will snap if someone squeezes too hard. Touch feels like a million needles stabbing my skin. I live in leggings and baggy sweaters because my body swells up and down so much that anything else would be uncomfortable.
Calories.... ($&%#)
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
I’ve never been amazing at fast math. Even adding up the numbers of my yahtzee roll I have to use my fingers. I was able to nail an A in calculus, but 4th grade addition tables will still get me every time. It’s bad. However, when it comes to calorie counting Im basically a mathematical genius.
He's In The Waiting....
Friday, May 12, 2017
For the past few months I have hemmed and hawed about what my first blog post should be about. Do I start with my story? Do I simply introduce myself? Should it be funny? Should it be serious? Should it be educational? Finally I decided to just start with where I am at. What is currently going on? I’ll eventually share my story, what re-feeding was like, my deepest hurts and best coping skills, but today I’ll simply start with today.